Khmer Magazines 2017



Why do accountants get excited on Saturdays? They can wear casual clothes to work

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A Martian lands to plunder, pillage and burn. He goes up to the owner of the first house he sees and says, "I'm a Martian just arrived from the other side of the galaxy. We're here to destroy your civilisation, pillage and burn. What do you think about that?" The owner replies, "I don't have an opinion. I'm a chartered accountant."

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"The auditors have just left, sir." "Did they check the books?" "Very thoroughly." "What did they say?" "They want 15% to keep quiet."

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There are three kinds of accountants in the world. Those who can count and those who can't.

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Once upon a time there was a beautiful oil company. All day long she loved to run up and down the share price list, laughing and skipping. But one day she was very sad, because she couldn't find an interim dividend anywhere and she knew people would be very angry if she couldn't produce it. "What's wrong, little oil company?" said a gruff voice nearby. She looked around and there was a funny little creature with spectacles, a bald patch and shaving cuts. "I can't find a dividend," she said and started crying again. "Don't worry," said the creature. "I can find you one." "How?" said the oil company, "And who are you?" "I'm an accountant," he said. "As for how I do it, never you mind about that. But there's one condition. If I do find it for you, you must agree to let me stay with you." "Yes, yes!" she said, anxious only to get the dividend. The accountant disap peared into some books nearby and stayed there for a while. She could hear him muttering and tut-tutting and transferring accounts. Then he emerged and put his long sloping hand into hers. "I've found you a dividend," he said. Her usual cheerfulness returned in an instant and she rushed off to tell her father, the Chairman. She forgot all about the accountant until he followed her in and reminded her of her promise; despite all her tears, her father insisted that she keep her word and that night the little accountant slept on the floor beside her bed. The next morning she opened her eyes and to her amazement she saw the accountant was exactly the same as he had been before. "I know what you're thinking," smiled the accountant. "You're quite right. Before I was changed into an accountant I was a handsome young man with a devil-may-care attitude and considerable joie de vivre." "Then change back!" said t he oil company, clapping her hands. "Are you crazy?" said the accountant. "Handsome young men are two a penny but clever, ugly little accountants are worth their weight in gold."

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Q: How many Accountants does it take to change a light bulb? A: What sort of answer did you have in mind ? A: None-just assume it's changed.

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Conversation between two accountants at a cocktail party: ".......and ninthly..."

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Q: What is a Budget? A: An orderly system for living beyond your means.

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What does an accountant say when you ask him the time? It's 9.18 am and 12 seconds; no wait - 13 seconds, no wait - 14 seconds, no wait......

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How can you tell when the Chief Accountant is getting soft? When he actually listens to Marketing before saying No

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Two accountants are in a bank, when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on accountant number one jams something in accountant number two's hand. Without looking down, accountant number two whispers, "What is this?" to which accountant number one replies, "it's that $50 I owe you."

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What's the most wicked thing a group of young accountants can do? Go into town and gang-audit someone.

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How many cost accountants does it take to change a light bulb? Hmmm........I'll just do a few numbers and get back to you

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Who was the first accountant? Adam. He got interested in figures, turned the first leaf, made the first entry, lost interest after withdrawal, buggered up the monthly accounts and raised the first liability.

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The accountant's prayer: Lord, help me be more relaxed about insignificant details, starting tomorrow at 10.53:16 am, Eastern Daylight Saving Time.

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What's the most wicked thing a group of young accountants can do? Go into town and gang-audit someone.

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What's an accountant's idea of trashing his hotel room? Refusing to fill out the guest comment card.

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Laws of Accounting 1. Trial balances don't 2. Bank reconciliations never do 3. Working Capital does not 4. Return on Investments never will

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An auditor is checking the books of an airline. He is puzzled by the excess use of fuel on a Melbourne to Canberra flight. He rings up the pilot and asks for an explanation. "It was late at night'" says the pilot, "Canberra was covered in fog and I lost my bearings." "I'm sorry," says the auditor, "but you'll have to bear the cost yourself." "The cost of what?" asks the pilot. "Of the bearings you lost."

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What's an actuary? An accountant without the sense of humour.

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A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for a new accountant. His friend asks, "Didn't your company hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?" The businessman replies, "That's the accountant we're looking for."

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The accountant had just read the story of Cinderella to his four-year-old daughter for the first time. The little girl was fascinated by the story, especially the part where the pumpkin turns into a golden coach. Suddenly she piped up, "Daddy, when the pumpkin turned into a golden coach, would that be classed as income or a long-term capital gain?"

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What would Economics be without assumptions? Accounting

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What does CPA stand for? Can't Produce Anything

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An auditor was examining the balance sheet of a mining company that had just bought a sheep station in the Pilbara area of Western Australia. The reason for the purchase was partly for the thousands of acres that the station covered and partly for the thousands of sheep that ranged over those thousands of acres. The auditor, being very diligent, noted that the value of the sheep formed a significant asset and, like all good auditors, knew that he would have to verify that asset. He chartered an aircraft and flew up to the station. The manager was at the airstrip to meet him. "Hello," he said. "I'm the auditor. I've come to count the sheep."

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