Khmer Magazines 2018



"This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic. "If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. "If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off. "If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you. "That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message. Have a good flight!"

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Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."

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An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?" The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here, "she cried," one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

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A man is flying from Los Angeles to New York. During the meal service, he accidentally knocked the spoon off to the aisle with his elbow. The flight attendant immediately took a spoon from his pocket and placed it on his tray table. The man was very impressed by the promptness of the service and asked, "Do all flight attendants carry a spoon in their pockets?" The flight attendant answered, "We had an efficiency expert in to evaluate our operation. He determined that 25% of the customers knock the spoon off their tray tables. By carrying a spare spoon, we all save trips to the galley and can be much more efficient." Later, as the flight attendant is picking his dirty tray up, the customer asked, "Excuse me for asking but why do you have a string hanging from your fly?" The flight attendant replied, "The efficiency expert determined that we were spending too much t ime washing our hands after we went to the bathroom. To counteract this, we tie strings to our penises." The customer looked confused. "How does that help?" he asked. "Well, when I go to the bathroom I just use the string. Since I never touched myself I don't need to wash my hands." The customer nodded and asked, "But how do you get it back in your pants?" The flight attendant smiled, "I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."

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Cessna: "Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel." Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have the airfield in sight?!?!!" Cessna: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is."

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During the heat of the space race in the 1960's, the U.S. National Aeronautics and Space Administration decided it needed a ballpoint pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of about $1 million U.S. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on Earth. The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.

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After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."

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A small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

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Aunt Bessie loved to visit her nieces and nephews. However, she had relatives all over the country. The problem was that no matter how much she enjoyed seeing them, she hated flying. No matter how safe people told her it was, she was always worried that someone would have a bomb on the plane. She read books about how safe it was and listened to the stewardess demonstrate all the safety features. But she still worried herself silly every time a visit was coming up. Finally, the family decided that maybe if she saw the statistics she'd be convinced. So they sent her to a friend of the family who was an actuary. "Tell me," she said suspiciously, "what are the chances that someone will have a bomb on a plane?" The actuary looked through his tables and said, "A very small chance. Maybe one in five hundred thousand." She nodded, then thought for a moment. "So what are the o dds of two people having a bomb on the same plane?" Again he went through his tables. "Extremely remote," he said. "About one in a billion." Aunt Bessie nodded and left his office. And from that day on, every time she flew, she took a bomb with her.

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It was a few days before Christmas. The trip went reasonably well, and he was ready to go back home. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols. Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood. (Almost a scrooge) Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointer parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way. With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the attendant, "Even if we were married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mo ckery of mistletoe." "Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is." "Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss." "That's not why it's there." "Ok, I give up. Why is it there?" "It's there so you can kiss your luggage good-bye."

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ATC: "Cessna G-ABCD What are your intentions? " Cessna: "To get my Commercial Pilots Licence and Instrument Rating." ATC: "I meant in the next five minutes not years."

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"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or other adults acting like children."

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According to "The Australian," an airliner recently encountered severe vibration in flight. The captain decided to make an emergency landing, and switched on the seat belt sign. The vibration stopped immediately. A passenger emerged from a lavatory and explained that he had been jogging in place inside.

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A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. This was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime, and instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said, "Guess who?" The controller switched the field lights off and replied, "Guess where!"

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The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport were often short-tempered. They not only expected you to know your parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (radio call Speedbird 206) after landing. Speedbird 206: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active." Ground: "Guten morgan, taxi to your gate." The British Airways 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by, ground, I'm looking up the gate location now." Ground (with typical German impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, in 1944. But I didn't stop."

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How does the captain know the aircraft is safely at the ramp? Both the engines and the co-pilot stop whining.

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The Captain was Jewish, and the new First Officer was Chinese. It was the first time they had flown together, and it was obvious by the silence that they didn't get along. After 30 minutes, the Captain finally spoke. He said, " I don't like Chinese. " The F.O. replied, " Ooooh, no like Chinese? Why is that? " The Captain said, " You bombed Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese. " The F.O. said, " Nooooo, noooo ... Chinese not bomb Pearl Harbah. That JAPANESE, not Chinese. " And the Captain answered, " Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese ... it doesn't matter. They're all alike. " Another 30 minutes of silence. Finally the First Officer said, " No like Jew. " The Captain replied, " Why not? Why don't you like Jews? " " Jews sink Titanic. " Said the F.O. The Captain tried to correct him, " No, no. The Jews didn't sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg. " " Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg .. no mattah .. all same "

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Pilot says: "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land...it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

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A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blode is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot. The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head st ewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."

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Brendan had spent a week visiting his family in Kentucky. His sister-in-law and seven-year-old nephew went with him when he returned to the airport. After verifying his seat number with the counter attendant, Brendan walked back to his relatives and stated that he'd have to wait an additional three hours in the airport. "How come?," his nephew asked. "My plane has been grounded," Brendan explained. "Grounded?" the little boy said. "I didn't know planes had parents."

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Little boy to airline pilot: "You're a pilot?!?!? That must be exciting." Pilot: "Not if I do it right."

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Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

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No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight. If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal. If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed. Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world. If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper. Or start to drink your coffee. If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers. Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory. The crying baby on board is always seated next to you. The best-looking woman/man on your flight is never seated next to you. The less carry-on luggag e space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard.

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How does the captain know the aircraft is safely at the ramp? Both the engines and the co-pilot stop whining.

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A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog." "But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked. "I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered. "But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked. He quickly answered: "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."

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