Khmer Magazines 2018



What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline? You should take your workboots off before you jump on a trampoline.

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If I had but one life to give for my country, it would be a lawyer's.

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If two lawyers were drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you read the paper or go to lunch?

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What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? A Doberman.

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The first lawyer questioning a panel of prospective jurors began right off as an intimidating showman. When he came to his question, "Do any of you here today dislike lawyers?" they stiffened and hesitated. Before the pause became too long, the judge announced, "I do."

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A woman was being questioned in a court trial involving slander. "Please repeat the slanderous statements you heard, exactly as you heard them," instructed the lawyer. The witness hesitated. "But they are unfit for any respectable person to hear," she protested. "Then," said the attorney, "just whisper them to the judge."

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A judge in a small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4:30 p.m. and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury. The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom. The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendant was guilty. The jury went into the jury-room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited. After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the verdict. When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have the y got a verdict yet?" The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? Hell, they're still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"

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How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus? Never enough.

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At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another: "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?" "Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?" "Well, for four very good reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, third there are some things even a rat won't do, and fourth sometimes it very hard to extrapolate our test results to human beings."

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A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and considerable damage. There's no sign of the offending vehicle but he's relieved to see that there's a note stuck under the windshield wiper. "Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer. The witnesses who saw the accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think I'm leaving my name, address and other particulars. But I'm not."

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Why is it that if you give a child an encyclopedia, "lawyer" is always the third thing they look up? Because the first thing a child looks up is "dog." The second is "snake." And under snake, the encyclopedia says "See Lawyer."

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Lawyer: "Let me give you my honest opinion." Client: "No, no. I'm paying for professional advice."

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"Excuse me," a young fellow said to an older librarian, "I've just moved here and I wonder if this town has any criminal lawyers." "Well," replied the librarian, "I have lived here all my life and all I can tell you is we are pretty sure we do, but no one has been able to prove it yet."

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How many lawyers does it take to grease a combine? Only one if you run him through slowly!

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What do lawyers do after they die? They lie still.

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A lawyer with insomnia consulted her doctor. "Which side is it best to lie on?" she asked. "The side that pays your fee," replied the doctor.

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A man walks into a friend and sees that his friend's car is total loss and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friend, "What's happened to your car?" "Well," the friend responses, "I ran into a lawyer". "OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?" "Well, I had to chase him all through the park."

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What do you call an honest lawyer? An oxymoron.

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In the construction field, it is often noted that lawyers make the worst clients. However, a couple of years ago I met an old carpenter that said lawyers were always his favorite clients! When I asked him why he got so much pleasure out of having lawyers as clients he replied, "I only build coffins now."

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A persistent job-seeker once appeared before President Lincoln and demanded an appointment to a judgeship. He was informed that there were no vacancies. The next day, while walking along the river, he saw a drowned man being pulled out, and recognized him as a federal judge. He ran back to the White House and demanded the position. "Sorry," said the President, "but the lawyer who saw that judge fall in beat you here by a good five minutes."

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Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him? A: It might be your bicycle.

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What kind of clothes do lawyers wear? Lawsuits.

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First person: Do you know how to save five lawyers who are drowning? Second person: No. First person: Good!

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Did you hear that the Post Office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous lawyers? People were confused about which side to spit on.

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It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married, but a tragic car accident ended their lives. When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for them to get married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in life, and they still desired wedded union. He thought about it and agreed, but said they would have to wait. It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent for them. They were married in a simple ceremony. So things went on, for thirty years or so, but they determined, in this time, that eternity was best not spent together. They went back to St. Peter, and said: "We thought we would be happy forever, but now we believe that we have irreconcilable differences. Is there any way we can get divorced?" "Are you kidding?" said St. Peter. "It took me a hundred years to get a priest up here to marry you. I will never get a lawyer!"

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