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Aviation jokes

An airplane pilot dies at the controls.

He goes to Hell. The devil takes him to the 'newly arrived' area.

There are three doors, marked 1, 2, and 3. The devil tells the pilot
that
he is going to get to choose his own hell, but first, the devil
has to
take care of something first, and disappears.

The
curious pilot looks behind door number one. He sees a pilot going

through flight checks for all eternity. He looks behind door number two,

and he sees a pilot that forever finds himself trying to resolve

emergency situations. He looks behind the last door, and sees a Captain
being
waited on hand and foot by scantily-clad
stewardesses.

The devil returns just as the pilot gets back to his waiting position.

He offers the pilot a choice of door number one or two. The pilot
says,
"I wanted door number three!"
"Sorry," replies the devil,
"that's 'flight attendant's
hell'."

 

Three blondes were walking through a field when they came across a set of tracks. The first blonde looked down at the tracks and said, "I think they could be bird tracks." The second blonde went to look and said, "No, I think these are deer tracks." They stepped aside and the third blonde went over to the tracks. She looked down, then got run over by the train!

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A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations." The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise." "I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well, then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations." "I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day." "Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?" "Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."

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Q. What did the dog say when he sat on sand paper? A. "Rough rough".

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Fred's new girlfriend uses such greasy lipstick that he has to sprinkle his face with sand to get a better grip.

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Q: How do you know you're flying over Poland? A: Toilet paper hanging on the clotheslines.

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What is a jockey's motto? Put your money where your mount is!

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How many bankers does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to hold the bulb, and three to try and remember the combination.the dentist, "what kind of filling would you like for that tooth?" "Chocolate, please," replied the youngster.

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A convicted con man was recently found to be impersonating a lawyer in New York City. To which one judge remarked, "I should have suspected he wasn't a lawyer. He was always so punctual and polite."

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Did you hear about the sister who wrote herself a letter and forgot to sign it and when it arrived she didn't know who it was from.

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Why is the monsters' football pitch wet? Because the players keep dribbling on it.

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Kids can sometimes ask the toughest questions. Son: Father, Can I ask you a question? Father: Ok ask. Son: When a doctor doctors a doctor, does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as he wants to doctor. Father: !!!??????!!!

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What do you get when you add 2 apples to 3 apples? A senior high school math problem.

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What's the best thing about deadly snakes ? They've got poisonality !

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"My boyfriend says I look like a dishy Italian!"said Miss Conceited. ''Then he's right said her little brother.''Sophia Loren?'' "No-spaghetti!''

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Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say, "Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes," said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief and asked the parrot: "What's your name?" "Clarence," said the bird. "That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?" The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."

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Why did the dog sleep so poorly? By mistake he plugged his electric blanket into the toaster and kept popping out of bed all night!

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Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. "Sid," asked Al, "are there any Jews in China?" "I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?" When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews?" "I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No, Chinese Jews." "Are you sure?" Al asked. "I will check again, sir," the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen. While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere." When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews." "Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews." "Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews, but we have no Chin ese Jews."

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An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place around where he can get American food. The concierge tells him he's in luck; there's a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and he goes back to his room and orders a pizza. Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door with the pizza. The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably. He asks the delivery man, ''What the heck did you put on this pizza?'' The delivery man bows deeply and says, ''We put on the pizza what you ordered, pepper only.''

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How do thunderstorms invest their money? -In a combination of liquid assets and frozen assets

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The producer of a low budget film is trying to convince the newly hired director of the quality of the work by telling him the big names they've gotten for the cast. "First of all," he tells him, "We've got Gibson in the lead." The director is surprised, "You got Mel Gibson?" "Well, no," the Producer responds, "we got Marvin Gibson, he's a distant cousin who lives in Queens, but he's very up and coming. And besides, we've also got Redford." "You got Robert Redford?" the director asks. "No, we got Jeremy Redford, but he's very talented and has lots of acting experience from years of dinner theater. But," he says enthusiastically, " we've got Streisand and in a singing role." "Barbara Streisand?" he asks. "No, Elizabeth Streisand." The Producer responds. "But she's got a great voice. AND we've got Goulet." "You got Robert Goulet?" the director asks. "Yeah," the producer replies glumly, "we got Robert Goulet."

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