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Baby jokes

My new baby is the image of his father.
Never
mind. just so long as he's healthy.

 

Did you hear the one about the blonde that had a problem with her bed? She couldn't find a knife large enough to apply the bed spread.

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What's Up, Doc? by Howie Dewin

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What do cows do for entertainment? They go to the mooooovies.

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Q: How do you get a blonde pregnant? A: Come in her shoes and let the flies do the rest.

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Why do elephants have trunks ? Because they would look silly carrying suitcases !

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What do you call an amorous insect? The love bug.

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What kind of wig can hear ? An earwig !

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A woman telephoned her local newspaper to let them know that she had just given birth to eighteen children. The reporter didn't quite hear the message and said, "Would you repeat that?" "Not if I can help it," replied the woman.

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Knock Knock Who's there ! Beaver E ! Beaver E who ? Beaver E quiet and nobody will find us !

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Little Johnny was crying one day, and his dad asked him why. 'I've lost five cents,' sobbed Johnny. 'Don't worry,' said his dad kindly.' Here's five more for you,' At this Johnny howled louder than ever. 'Now what is it ?' asked his dad. 'I wish I'd said I'd lost ten cents!'

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Johnny collected lots of money from trick or treating and he went to the candy store to buy some chocolate. ' You should give that money to charity,' said the shopkeeper. 'No, I'll buy the chocolate. You give the money to charity!'

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What's a rabbits' favorite dance? The bunny hop.

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What's black and white, black and white, black and white? A nun rolling down a hill.

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Yo mamma's so fat she had her ears pierced by harpoon.

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Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

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Jack and Jill were riding a tandem up a hill, but making heavy weather of it. At the top, Jack said: 'I didn't think we'd make it!' Jill replied, 'Nor did I - what a good thing I kept the brakes on, or we'd have slid all the way back down!'

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The school teacher was furious when Brad knocked him down with his new bicycle in the school yard. "Don't you know how to ride that yet?" he roared. "Oh yes!" shouted Brad over his shoulder. "It's the bell I can't work yet.

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How do you make a blonde laugh on a Wednesday? Tell her a joke on a Monday!

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The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager. The cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's you're name?" "Sam," the cowboy moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied.... "The balcony."

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A chap went up to the counter in the library and said, "Have you got any books about committing suicide?" The librarian said, "Yes. Take a look over there, somewhere on the middle shelf." The chap came back a few moments later and said, "I can't find any at all." The librarian replied, "Yes, it's awful. They never bring 'em back!"

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