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Accountant jokes

An accountant visited the Natural History

museum. While standing near the dinosaur he said to his neighbor:
"This
dinosaur is two billion years and ten months old".
"Where did
you get this exact information?"
"I was here ten months ago, and
the guide told me that the dinosaur is
two billion years old."

 

Why were ancient Egyptian children confused? Because their daddies were mummies.

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How do frogs manage to lay so many eggs ? They sit eggsaminations !

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A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose down. The pilot tries to pull up, but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy. So he yells to the soldiers in back to throw things out to make the plane lighter. They throw out a pistol. "Throw out more!" shouts the pilot. So they throw out a rifle. "More!" he cries again. They heave out a missile, and the pilot regains control. He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport. They get into a jeep and drive off. Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the road who's crying. They ask him why he's crying and he says "A pistol hit me on the head!" They drive more and meet another boy who's crying even harder. Again they ask why and the boy says, "A rifle hit me on the head!" They apologize and keep driving. They meet a boy on the sidewalk who's laughing hysterically. They ask h im, "Kid, what's so funny?" The boy replies, "I sneezed and a house blew up!"

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Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer? A: You only have to punch information into a computer once. Q: What's the Blonde's cheer? A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well.. I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."

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One day there was two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it and the other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush so long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the steam. All of a sudden the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran."

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What's the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist? One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.

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How do wasps send messages? By bee-mail.

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What English King invented the fireplace ? Alfred the grate !

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Who has the best website in the jungle? The Onlion King.

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Q: What is the basement where White House staffers work called? A: The whine cellar.

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Police officer: Excuse me, but your dog has been chasing a man on his bicycle. Dog owner: Are you crazy? My dog can't even ride a bicycle.

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What did the snowman order at MacDonalds ? Icerbergers with chilli sauce !

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What lights up a football stadium ? A football match !

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How can you tell if a bee is on the phone? You get a buzzy signal.

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When is a lion not a lion ? When he turns into his cage !

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A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour. Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest. "Oh, I really don't care or mind," said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."

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The bartender asks him "What'll you have?". The guy answers, "A scotch, please". The bartender hands him the drink, and says "That'll be five dollars", to which he replies "What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this". A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, "You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which consitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration". The bartender's not impressed, but says to the guy, "Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don't ever let me catch you in here again". The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, "What the hell are you doing in here? I can't believe you've got the audacity to come back!". The guy says "What are you talking about? I've never been in this place in my life", to which the bartender replies "I'm nvery sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double." To which the guy replies "Thank you! Make it a scotch."

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Today I saw a baby who had put on five stone in weight in two weeks by drinking elephant's milk. Whose baby was it? The elephant's!

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Dewey and Odell met on the Brownsville main street. "Say," said Dewey, "Ah hurd yew and yore wife is goin' ta night school ta take Spanish lessons. How cum?" "Uh huh," answered Odell. "We went and adopted us a little Mexican baby, and we wanna be able ta understand him when he gets old enough ta talk!"

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What did they do to the burger who thought he was a rooster? Cook-a-doodle-do!

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