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Accountant jokes

An accountant visited the Natural History

museum. While standing near the dinosaur he said to his neighbor:
"This
dinosaur is two billion years and ten months old".
"Where did
you get this exact information?"
"I was here ten months ago, and
the guide told me that the dinosaur is
two billion years old."

 

An old man visits his doctor and after thorough examination the doctor tells him: "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?" Patient: "Well, give me the bad news first." Doctor: "You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left." Patient: "OH NO! That's awefull! In two years my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this???" Doctor: "You also have Alzheimer's. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you."

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Tech Support: "How may I help you today, sir?" Customer: "Hello...hey, er...I think I've got the wrong software installed in my computer." Tech Support: "Why is that, sir?" Customer: "I bought this minitower system from you, and it came loaded with software called the 'XYZ Desktop'." Tech Support: "Yes...?" Customer: "Shouldn't it be called the 'XYZ Minitower'? I OBVIOUSLY have the wrong software installed in this computer."

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Q: What algorithm did Intel use in the Pentium's floating point divider? A: "Life is like a box of chocolates..." (Source: F. Gump of Intel)

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How many Java programmers does it take to change a light bulb? One, to generate a "ChangeLightBulb" event to the socket.

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Why accountants don't read novels? Because the only numbers in them are page numbers.

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An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready. "All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards."

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What do you call a bird that lives underground ? A mynah bird !

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Policeman: I suppose you're going to tell me you weren't speeding. Motorist: I was speeding all right, but I was testing you to see if you were paying attention.

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What do cat actors say on stage ? Tabby or not tabby !

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What kind of dog is the smartest? A great brain!

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Three guys were fishing in a lake one day, when an angel appeared in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked the angel humbly, "I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War ... Could you help me?" "Of course," the angel said, and when he touched the man's back, the man felt relief for the first time in years. The second guy who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving. He asked if the angel could do anything about his poor eyesight. The angel smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them into the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly. When the angel turned to the third guy, the guy put his hands out defensively -- "Don't touch me!" he cried, "I'm on a disability pension."

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Do you know a favourite expression used by the Gorillas? Apesy daisy!

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Doctor: 'Your recovery was a miracle!' Patient: 'PRAISE GOD. Now I don't have to pay you!'

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What did one slug say to another who had hit him and rushed off? I'll get you next slime!

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Q: How many Pisceans does it take to change a lightbulb? A: None: only the inner light matters.

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Three cowboys were hanging out in the bunkhouse. "I know that smart aleck Tex," said the first. "He's going to start bragging about that new foreign car he bought as soon as he gets back." "Not Tex," the second cowboy replied. "He'll always be just a good ol' boy. When he walks in, I'm sure all he'll say is hello." "I know Tex better than either of you," said the third. "He's so smart, he'll figure out a way to do both. Here he comes now." Tex swung open the bunkhouse door and shouted, "Audi, partners!"

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A couple of biologists had twins. One they called John and the other control.

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A blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a Coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins. She returns and starts feeding the machine madly and of course the machine keeps feeding out drinks. Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping her and asking if someone else could have a go. The blonde turns around and shouts, "Can't you see I'm winning!"

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What do you call a bloke with a bus on his head? Dead.

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My dog is great at math. Really ? Ask him how much is two minus two. But two minus two is nothing! That's what he'll answer, nothing!

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