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Letter jokes

Are you writing a thank you letter to Grandma

like I told you to? Yes Mom. Your handwriting seems very large. Well,

Grandma's very deaf, so I'm writing very loudly.

 

A military cargo plane, flying over a populated area, suddenly loses power and starts to nose down. The pilot tries to pull up, but with all their cargo, the plane is too heavy. So he yells to the soldiers in back to throw things out to make the plane lighter. They throw out a pistol. "Throw out more!" shouts the pilot. So they throw out a rifle. "More!" he cries again. They heave out a missile, and the pilot regains control. He pulls out of the dive and lands safely at an airport. They get into a jeep and drive off. Pretty soon they meet a boy on the side of the road who's crying. They ask him why he's crying and he says "A pistol hit me on the head!" They drive more and meet another boy who's crying even harder. Again they ask why and the boy says, "A rifle hit me on the head!" They apologize and keep driving. They meet a boy on the sidewalk who's laughing hysterically. They ask h im, "Kid, what's so funny?" The boy replies, "I sneezed and a house blew up!"

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Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer? A: You only have to punch information into a computer once. Q: What's the Blonde's cheer? A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well.. I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."

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One day there was two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it and the other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush so long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the steam. All of a sudden the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran."

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What's the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist? One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.

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How do wasps send messages? By bee-mail.

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What English King invented the fireplace ? Alfred the grate !

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Who has the best website in the jungle? The Onlion King.

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Q: What is the basement where White House staffers work called? A: The whine cellar.

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Police officer: Excuse me, but your dog has been chasing a man on his bicycle. Dog owner: Are you crazy? My dog can't even ride a bicycle.

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What did the snowman order at MacDonalds ? Icerbergers with chilli sauce !

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What lights up a football stadium ? A football match !

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How can you tell if a bee is on the phone? You get a buzzy signal.

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When is a lion not a lion ? When he turns into his cage !

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Today I saw a baby who had put on five stone in weight in two weeks by drinking elephant's milk. Whose baby was it? The elephant's!

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Dewey and Odell met on the Brownsville main street. "Say," said Dewey, "Ah hurd yew and yore wife is goin' ta night school ta take Spanish lessons. How cum?" "Uh huh," answered Odell. "We went and adopted us a little Mexican baby, and we wanna be able ta understand him when he gets old enough ta talk!"

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What did they do to the burger who thought he was a rooster? Cook-a-doodle-do!

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Passenger: Does this bus go to London? Conductor: No. Passenger: But it says London on the front. Conductor: There's an advertisement for baked beans on the side, but we don't sell them!

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One day a guy was driving with his 4-year-old daughter and beeped his car horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation. He said, "I did that by accident." She replied, "I know that, daddy." He replied, "How'd you know?" The girl said, "Because you didn't say 'ASSHOLE!' afterwards!"

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Bill Clinton is writing his memoirs. They're called "The Johnson Years".

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What gives milk and has a horn? A milk tank!

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