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Doctor and nurse jokes

Doctor:
You seem to be in
excellent health. Your pulse is as regular as
clockwork.
Patient:
That's because you've got your hand on my watch!

 

What did the little ghost give his mom for Mother's Day? A booquet of flowers.

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Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in the deep water. Unable to swim, the man screamed for help. A trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't swim. Please save her. I'll give you a hundred dollars." The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my hundred dollars?" The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I thought it was my wife. But this is my mother-in-law." The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How much do I owe you?"

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"Well, Mrs. O'Connor, so you want a divorce?" the solicitor questioned his client. "Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?" "Oh, no," replied Mrs. O'Connor. "Shure now, we have a carport." The solicitor tried again. "Well, does the man beat you up?" "No, no," said Mrs. O'Connor, looking puzzled. "Oi'm always first out of bed." Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. "What I'm trying to find out are what grounds you have." "Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat -- not even a window box, let alone grounds." "Mrs. O'Connor," the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, "you need a reason that the court can consider. "What is the reason for you seeking this divorce?" "Ah, well now," said the lady, "Shure it's because the man can't hold an intelligent conversation."

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Q: How is Saddam like Fred Flintstone ? A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.

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Frankenstein: Help, I've got a short circuit! Igor: Don't worry, I'll lengthen it.

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A drunk man who smelled like a beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was smeared with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began to read. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?' The priest replies 'My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol and comtempt for your fellow man' 'Well I'll be darned' the drunk muttered, returning to his newspaper. The priest thinking about what he said, nudged the drunk and apologised. 'I'm sorry to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?' 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'

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An insurance salesman was getting nowhere in his efforts to sell a policy to a farmer. "Look at it this way sir." he said finally. "How would your wife carry on if you should die ?" "Well..." drawled the weather-beaten man, "I don't reckon that'd be any concern of mine -- long as she behaves herself while I'm alive."

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Salesman: This jug is genuine Indian pottery. Customer: But it says "Made in Cleveland." Salesman: Haven't you ever heard of the Cleveland Indians?

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What's yellow, has wheels and lies on its back? A dead school bus!

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Your so poor, I stepped in your house and stepped on a cigarette, and your mom said, "Who turned of the lights".

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What would you get if you crossed the Easter Bunny with a leprechaun? The Easter Blarney!

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Two boys were watching TV when the fabulous face and figure of Pamela Anderson appeared on the screen. "if I ever stop hating girls," said one to the other, "I think I'll stop hating her first."

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What would you get if you crossed Halloween with Independence Day? The Fourth of Ghoul-ly!

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What kind of horse can swim underwater without coming up for air ? A seahorse !

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What's a cow's favourite love song? When I fall in love , it will be for heifer.

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Knock Knock Who's there ! Bless ! Bless who ? I didn't sneeze !

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1st vampire: How things? 2nd vampire: Terrible! Today I received a letter saying I'm overdrawn by 50 pints at the blood bank.

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A soldier keeps a mug upside down and tells the sergeant: - I can't drink from this mug. It has no opening. The sergeant examines the mug and says: - You are right. And besides this, it has no bottom.

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How can you make money fast? Glue it to the floor.

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Democrats do much of their shopping at Target and Wal-Mart. So do Republicans, but they don't admit it.

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