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Doctor and nurse jokes

Doctor:
You seem to be in
excellent health. Your pulse is as regular as
clockwork.
Patient:
That's because you've got your hand on my watch!

 

Q. What did the dog say when he sat on sand paper? A. "Rough rough".

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Fred's new girlfriend uses such greasy lipstick that he has to sprinkle his face with sand to get a better grip.

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Q: How do you know you're flying over Poland? A: Toilet paper hanging on the clotheslines.

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What is a jockey's motto? Put your money where your mount is!

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How many bankers does it take to change a light bulb? Four. One to hold the bulb, and three to try and remember the combination.the dentist, "what kind of filling would you like for that tooth?" "Chocolate, please," replied the youngster.

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A convicted con man was recently found to be impersonating a lawyer in New York City. To which one judge remarked, "I should have suspected he wasn't a lawyer. He was always so punctual and polite."

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Did you hear about the sister who wrote herself a letter and forgot to sign it and when it arrived she didn't know who it was from.

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Why is the monsters' football pitch wet? Because the players keep dribbling on it.

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Kids can sometimes ask the toughest questions. Son: Father, Can I ask you a question? Father: Ok ask. Son: When a doctor doctors a doctor, does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as he wants to doctor. Father: !!!??????!!!

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What do you get when you add 2 apples to 3 apples? A senior high school math problem.

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What's the best thing about deadly snakes ? They've got poisonality !

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Why did the dog sleep so poorly? By mistake he plugged his electric blanket into the toaster and kept popping out of bed all night!

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Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. "Sid," asked Al, "are there any Jews in China?" "I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?" When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Chinese Jews?" "I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No, sir. No, Chinese Jews." "Are you sure?" Al asked. "I will check again, sir," the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen. While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere." When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews." "Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews." "Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have Orange Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Grape Jews, but we have no Chin ese Jews."

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An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place around where he can get American food. The concierge tells him he's in luck; there's a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and he goes back to his room and orders a pizza. Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door with the pizza. The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably. He asks the delivery man, ''What the heck did you put on this pizza?'' The delivery man bows deeply and says, ''We put on the pizza what you ordered, pepper only.''

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How do thunderstorms invest their money? -In a combination of liquid assets and frozen assets

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The producer of a low budget film is trying to convince the newly hired director of the quality of the work by telling him the big names they've gotten for the cast. "First of all," he tells him, "We've got Gibson in the lead." The director is surprised, "You got Mel Gibson?" "Well, no," the Producer responds, "we got Marvin Gibson, he's a distant cousin who lives in Queens, but he's very up and coming. And besides, we've also got Redford." "You got Robert Redford?" the director asks. "No, we got Jeremy Redford, but he's very talented and has lots of acting experience from years of dinner theater. But," he says enthusiastically, " we've got Streisand and in a singing role." "Barbara Streisand?" he asks. "No, Elizabeth Streisand." The Producer responds. "But she's got a great voice. AND we've got Goulet." "You got Robert Goulet?" the director asks. "Yeah," the producer replies glumly, "we got Robert Goulet."

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Mrs. Filmore returned home from a business trip and asked her husband, "How did Greg do on his history exam?" "Oh, not so good," he replied. "But it wasn't his fault. They asked him about things that happened before he was born!"

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What would happen if pigs could fly? Bacon would go up!

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Q: How many republicans does it take to disarm the law abiding public so that the government can enforce totalitarianistic and unconstitutional laws? A: None. The Sociali--Democrats do that

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A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads, "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside." They start going up and on the first floor the sign reads, "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads, "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads, "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there nare still two floors left, they continue on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect. "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are about to go in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they would be missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. On the fifth floor they find a sign that reads, "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

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