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Doctor and nurse jokes

Doctor:
You seem to be in
excellent health. Your pulse is as regular as
clockwork.
Patient:
That's because you've got your hand on my watch!

 

Three cookies were crossing the road when the first one was knocked down. What did the third cookie say as he reached the pavement in safety? Crumbs!

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The world's most incredibly lazy man found a magic lamp. He rubbed it and a genie appeared and granted him three wishes. He wished for a horse, a sumo wrestler and a squirrel. "They're yours, but what are they for?" the genie asked. "I'm tired of walking everywhere--I want to just ride the horse. The sumo wrestler is so that I won't have to work to get on the horse." "But the squirrel?" asked the genie. "I need something to go 'click-click' to start the horse!!!"

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What's the difference between ignorance and indifference? I don't know and I don't care!

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What is a baby bee ? A little humbug !

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Knock Knock Who's there ! Baby Owl ! Baby Owl who ? Baby Owl see you later, maybe I won't !

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Q: Why did the witch's mail rattle? A: It was a chain letter.

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A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time. Driving up beside her, he shouts out the window... "Pull over!" "No," she shouts back, "a pair of socks!"

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Policeman: Now, sir, how did you come to have this accident? Motorist: Well, the sign just there says, `Stop ? Look ? Listen'. And while I was doing that the train hit me.

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Moses, Jesus and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green. Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green. The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap. But, just before it falls into the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth. As the fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws. The eagle flies over the green where a lightning bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it. Startled, the eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in -one. Jesus then turns to the old man and says, "Dad, if you don't stop fooling around, we won't bring you next time."

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Yo mama so old she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook.

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What's the difference between a general practitioner and a specialist? One treats what you have, the other thinks you have what he treats.

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How do wasps send messages? By bee-mail.

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What English King invented the fireplace ? Alfred the grate !

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Who has the best website in the jungle? The Onlion King.

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Q: What is the basement where White House staffers work called? A: The whine cellar.

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Police officer: Excuse me, but your dog has been chasing a man on his bicycle. Dog owner: Are you crazy? My dog can't even ride a bicycle.

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What did the snowman order at MacDonalds ? Icerbergers with chilli sauce !

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What lights up a football stadium ? A football match !

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How can you tell if a bee is on the phone? You get a buzzy signal.

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When is a lion not a lion ? When he turns into his cage !

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