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Funny jokes - 50 best jokes

The officer shouted
orders to a
nearby soldier. With considerable bravery, the GI ran
directly onto
the field of battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a
dispatch
case from a dead soldier. In a hail of bullets, he dove back to

safety.

"Private," the officer said, "I'm recommending you for a
medal. You
risked your life to save the locations of our secret
warehouses."

"Warehouses?" the private shouted. "I thought you said

whorehouses!"

 

Accountant after reading nursery rhymes to his young child: "No, son. When Little Bo Peep lost her sheep that wouldn't be tax deductible, but I like your thinking".

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Did you hear the one about the blonde that had a problem with her bed? She couldn't find a knife large enough to apply the bed spread.

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What's Up, Doc? by Howie Dewin

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What do cows do for entertainment? They go to the mooooovies.

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Q: How do you get a blonde pregnant? A: Come in her shoes and let the flies do the rest.

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Why do elephants have trunks ? Because they would look silly carrying suitcases !

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What do you call an amorous insect? The love bug.

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What kind of wig can hear ? An earwig !

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A woman telephoned her local newspaper to let them know that she had just given birth to eighteen children. The reporter didn't quite hear the message and said, "Would you repeat that?" "Not if I can help it," replied the woman.

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Knock Knock Who's there ! Beaver E ! Beaver E who ? Beaver E quiet and nobody will find us !

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Little Johnny was crying one day, and his dad asked him why. 'I've lost five cents,' sobbed Johnny. 'Don't worry,' said his dad kindly.' Here's five more for you,' At this Johnny howled louder than ever. 'Now what is it ?' asked his dad. 'I wish I'd said I'd lost ten cents!'

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Johnny collected lots of money from trick or treating and he went to the candy store to buy some chocolate. ' You should give that money to charity,' said the shopkeeper. 'No, I'll buy the chocolate. You give the money to charity!'

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What's a rabbits' favorite dance? The bunny hop.

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What's black and white, black and white, black and white? A nun rolling down a hill.

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Yo mamma's so fat she had her ears pierced by harpoon.

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What would you get if you crossed the Easter Bunny with a famous French general? Napoleon Bunnyparte!

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After buying a PC from a dealer of shady shady repute, the luckless customer unpacked his new toy and plugged it in to find it Dead On Arrival. Naturally, after checking the usual things, he called the dealer and explained his problem. First question from Deviously Evasive Dealer: "Did you check to see whether the power was on?" "Of course." DED: "Did you open the cover and check whether any of the boards had shaken loose in shipping?" "Of course." DED: Then why are you calling me?" "Well, you sold it to me and there has to be some kind of warranty," pleaded the frustrated purchaser. "Of course there is," replied the DED, "But you voided the warranty when you opened the cover." There are two major products to come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence.

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Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.

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Jack and Jill were riding a tandem up a hill, but making heavy weather of it. At the top, Jack said: 'I didn't think we'd make it!' Jill replied, 'Nor did I - what a good thing I kept the brakes on, or we'd have slid all the way back down!'

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The school teacher was furious when Brad knocked him down with his new bicycle in the school yard. "Don't you know how to ride that yet?" he roared. "Oh yes!" shouted Brad over his shoulder. "It's the bell I can't work yet.

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