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Food jokes

What sort of soup do
skeletons like?
One
with plenty of body in it.

 

One day a wife complained, "This wall clock almost killed my mother today. It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch." The husband grunted and replied, "The darn clock always was slow."

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Holton sat down in a Green Bay restaurant and said to the waitress, "Do you know whether the milk from this dairy is pasteurized?" "Sure is!" she answered. "Every morning they turn the cows out to pasture."

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Who is the bees favourite pop group ? The bee gees !

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What happens if you tell a psychiatrist you are schizophrenic? He charges you double.

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Three Pastors from the south were having lunch in a diner. One said, "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything-noise, spray, cats-nothing seems to scare them away. Another said, "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away." The third said, "I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church... Haven't seen one back since!"

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Sign at restaurant reads: Eat here diet home

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Our teacher talks to herself does yours ? Yes, but she does't realise it, she thinks we're actually listening !

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Why did Dracula miss lunch? Because he didn't fancy the stake.

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"I bet you don't know what day this is", said the wife to her husband as he made his way out the front door. The husband was perplexed, but was always a quick thinker: "Of course I do, my dear. How could I forget!?" With that, he turned and rushed to catch the bus for work. At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home. The husband was smug when he returned from work, satisfied that he had recovered what could have been a very bad situation. His wife was indeed surprised: "First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed, "I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!"

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Waiter, what is this hare doing in my salad? I believe he's eating your lettuce.

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Teacher, I can't solve this problem. Any five year old should be able to solve this one. No wonder I can't do it then, I'm nearly ten!

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Laugh and the class laughs with you. But you get detention alone !

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Party Host: Hello? Phone Caller: I'm trying to reach a Ms. Nidiot. Her first name is Ima. Could you please ask if anybody at your party knows her? Party Host: I'd be glad to. Please hold on. (shouts) Excuse me, but does anybody know Ima Nidiot?

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How should you treat a baby goat? Like a kid.

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What do you call a pen with no hair ? A bald point !

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Why were the early days of history called the dark ages ? Because there were so many knights !

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St Peter is standing at heaven's gate when a man walks up. "Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?" "I was a policeman," he responded. "What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked. "I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids." "Wonderful my son, welcome to heaven. Pass through the gates." A few moments later a second man walks up. "Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?" "I was a policeman," he responded. "What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked. "I was a traffic officer. I kept the roads and highways safe for travelers." "Well done. Pass through the gates into paradise." A few moments later a third man walks up. "Welcome to heaven my son. What did you do with your life?" "I was a policeman," he responded. "What kind of policeman?" St Peter asked. "I was a Military Policeman, Sir." "Excellent my son, I have to leave for a bit, watch the gate will you?"

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Knock Knock Who's there ! Butcher ! Butcher who ? Butcher your arms around me !

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Knock Knock Who's there ! Coda ! Coda who ? Coda paint !

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Where do you have to go to find a man who is truly into commitment? A mental hospital.

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