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Funny jokes - 50 best jokes

Why were ancient Egyptian
children confused?
Because their daddies were mummies.

 

What did the impatient waiter ask the gluttonous aardvark? Is that your final ant, sir!

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A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window, "Cruise Special -- $99!". She goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, "I'd like the $99 cruise special, please." The agent grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her to a large inner tube, then drags her out the back door and downhill to the river, where he pushes her in and sends her floating. A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign, goes inside, lays her money on the counter, and asks for the $99 special. She too is tied to an inner tube and sent floating down the river. Drifting into stronger current, she eventually catches up with the first blonde. They float side by side for a while before the first blonde asks, "Do they serve refreshments on this cruise? The second blonde replies, " They didn't last year."

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What kind of baseball do burgers play? Ketchup baseball!

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What does a cannibal call a skateboarder? Meals on wheels.

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Policeman: Why were you speeding when I stopped you? Motorist: So I could race home to get my license and registration.

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Q: Why did the blonde guy ask his girlfriend to squeeze his left testicle? A: Because the road sign said 'Squeeze Left.'

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Q: How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb? A: Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!

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Why are elephants wiser than chickens ? Have you ever heard of Kentucky Fried Elephant ?!

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Your head is sooooo bald I mistook you for a green rabbit.

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Knock Knock Who's there ! Carson ! Carson who ? Carconogenic !

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Old-fashioned Zachary approached Lureen's father, intent upon asking him for her hand in marriage. "Sir," he blurted out, "I have an attachment for your daughter, and " "See here, young man," interrupted the parent, "when my daughter needs accessories, I'll buy them myself."

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Teacher: Where is your homework? Pupil: I was mugged on the way to school and the mugger took everything I had

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How did the aliens hurt the farmer? They trod on his corn.

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Why don't lobsters share? They're shellfish.

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Customer: Give me a hot dog. Waiter: With pleasure. Customer: No, with mustard.

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Customer: "I've been doing risk analysis by hand for five years, and we finally got your program so we could do it automatically -- but there's a bug in it. The answers come out differently each time." Tech Support: "Sir, are you aware that our program uses Monte-Carlo analysis?" Customer: "Of course I am. That's why I bought it." Tech Support: "Sir, do you know what Monte-Carlo analysis does?" Customer: "Don't get rude with me, of course I do." Tech Support: "Put briefly, sir, it runs through your project several times, throwing random delays in, and at the end it averages out the results." Customer: "I know all that -- what I want to know is why it keeps giving me different answers every time I run it."

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A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are all stuck on a deserted island together. The island is 20 miles from the nearest inhabited island so they all decide to try to swim there. The redhead makes it 10 miles, is exhausted, gives up, and drowns. The brunette makes it 15 miles before she's too tired to go any farther and drowns. The blonde gets 19 miles away from the deserted island, decides she's too tired to go any farther, and swims all the way back to the deserted island.

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Why do hamburgers make poor pigeons? They won't talk no matter how you grill them!

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What happens if you upset a cannibal? You get into hot water.

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What is an autograph? A chart which shows car sales.

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