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Funny jokes - 50 best jokes

YOUR SO BALD THAT WHEN YOU WHERE

A TURTLENECK YOU LOOK LIKE A ROLL ON DEODORANT.

 

Q. Why is it good to have a blonde passenger? A. You can park in the handicap zone.

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Which meatballs get a little tipsy on occasion? The POTTED ones!

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Why aren't burgers too good at basketball? Too many turnovers!

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One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zoo-keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts. So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cag e next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zoo-keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!" but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, " Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"

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An English prisoner of war was held by the Germans. The Englishman was shot all over the place, and okay until one day when the German told him, "Englander,your arm is infected with gangrene vee must cut it off." The English prisoner said, "Well, okay, but could you drop it over England when you go bombing?" The German replied, "Ya, that vill not be a problem." A few weeks later the German tells the Englishman that they have to cut his other arm off. The Englishman says, "Well, could drop it over England like you did last time?" "Ya, that vill be done," says the German. The next day the German tells him that they have to cut his leg off. Once again the Brit says, "Well, could you do the same as before?" The German replies, "Vhy, ya." The next the German tells him they have to cut his other leg. "Well," begins the Brit, "could you just..." The German snapped , "No! We think you are trying to escape!"

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Doctor, Doctor I'm on a diet and it's making me irritable. Yesterday I bit someones ear off. Oh dear, that's a lot of calories !

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Q: Why did the dog cross the road? - A: Because it was the chickens day off.

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What is the difference between a dressmaker and a farmer? A dressmaker sews what she gathers, a farmer gathers what he sows.

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What goes "snap, crackle and pop" ? A firefly with a short circuit !

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Knock Knock Who's there ! Bhuto ! Bhuto who ? Bhuto-n the other foot !

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Knock Knock Who's there ! Coffin ! Coffin who ? Coffin and spluttering !

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An Irishman went into a post office to see if there were any letters for him. "I'll see, sir," said the clerk. "What is your name?" "You're having me on now because I'm Irish," said the Irishman. "Won't you see the name on the envelope?"

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Men are like lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not very bright.

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Did you hear of the pig who began hiding garbage In November? She wanted to do her Christmas slopping early.

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Why did the Irishman buy two tickets to the zoo? One to get in and one to get out.

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Tech Support: "How may I help you today, sir?" Customer: "Hello...hey, er...I think I've got the wrong software installed in my computer." Tech Support: "Why is that, sir?" Customer: "I bought this minitower system from you, and it came loaded with software called the 'XYZ Desktop'." Tech Support: "Yes...?" Customer: "Shouldn't it be called the 'XYZ Minitower'? I OBVIOUSLY have the wrong software installed in this computer."

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Q: What algorithm did Intel use in the Pentium's floating point divider? A: "Life is like a box of chocolates..." (Source: F. Gump of Intel)

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How many Java programmers does it take to change a light bulb? One, to generate a "ChangeLightBulb" event to the socket.

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Why accountants don't read novels? Because the only numbers in them are page numbers.

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An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready. "All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards."

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