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Funny jokes - 50 best jokes

YOUR SO BALD THAT WHEN YOU WHERE

A TURTLENECK YOU LOOK LIKE A ROLL ON DEODORANT.

 

What command does the aardvark give most often when he sails? Snout about!

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The front door was accidentally left open and our dog was gone. After unsuccessfully whistling and calling, my husband got in the car and went looking for him. He drove around the neigbourhood for some time with no luck. Finally he stopoed beside a couple out for a walk and asked if they had seen our dog. "You mean the one following your car?" they asked.

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How can you tell if there is an elephant in your dessert ? You get very lumpy ice cream !

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Bill:"My homework is really difficult tonight, I've to write an essay on an elephant."? Bert:"Well, for a start your going to need a big ladder.."

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What Central American country has the most spooks? Ghosta Rica!

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Two women were sitting by the pool, and one asked what kind of water they fill the pool with -- fresh water or sea water? The cruise director answered, "Sea water." "Oh, that explains why it's so rough today."

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What does a spider do when he gets angry ? He goes up the wall !

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What do lawyers do after they die? They lie still.

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Did you hear about the auto mechanic who went to a psychiatrist and insisted on laying under the couch?

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Q: How does Stan Collymore change a lightbulb? A: He holds it in the air, and the world revolves around him

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Why is Hollywood full of vampires? They need someone to play the bit parts.

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Yo mama so fat she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagon!

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A friend of mine was a frequent user of a pay telephone at a popular truck stop, and was greatly inconvenienced when the phone went out of commission. Repeated requests for repair brought only promises. After several days, the phone company was again contacted and told that there was no longer a rush. The phone was now working fine--except that all money was being returned upon completion of each call. A repairman arrived within the hour!

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Policeman: Didn't you see that stop sign? Driver: I keep my eyes closed in traffic.

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What's the most popular wine at Christmas? "I don't like sprouts!"

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Q. What is good for your soul but not your soles? A. Linedancing!

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Doctor, Doctor I keep seeing double. Please sit on the couch. Which one!

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Q: Where is the world's fastest chicken from? A: Ethiopia!

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Tim once took his small cousin with him while he went fishing: When he returned, he was looking very fed up. "I'll never do that again," he complained to his Dad. "Did she frighten off the fish?" enquired Dad. "No," replied Tim. "She sat on the bank and ate all my maggots."

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A man went into a deli shop and took a seat at the lunch counter. "Give me a corned beef sandwich," he ordered. "Corned beef sandwich is not on the menu, but I can give you a sandwich with corned beef in it, like our Midnight Special." "What's a Midnight Special?" "A triple decker with corned beef, tongue, bologna, tomato, lettuce, onion, pickle and mayonnaise, on toasted raisin bread." "Could you just place a piece of corned beef between two slices of white bread and serve it to me on a plate?" "Why, sure!" Then, turning to the sandwich man, he sang out: "One Midnight Special. Make it one deck, hold the tongue, bologna, tomato, lettuce, onion, pickle and mayonnaise, and make the raisin bread white, untoasted!"

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