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Funny jokes - 50 best jokes

An accountant is having a hard

time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get
to
sleep at night."

"Have you tried counting
sheep?"

"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours

trying to find it."

 

A friend of mine was a frequent user of a pay telephone at a popular truck stop, and was greatly inconvenienced when the phone went out of commission. Repeated requests for repair brought only promises. After several days, the phone company was again contacted and told that there was no longer a rush. The phone was now working fine--except that all money was being returned upon completion of each call. A repairman arrived within the hour!

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Policeman: Didn't you see that stop sign? Driver: I keep my eyes closed in traffic.

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What's the most popular wine at Christmas? "I don't like sprouts!"

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Q. What is good for your soul but not your soles? A. Linedancing!

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Doctor, Doctor I keep seeing double. Please sit on the couch. Which one!

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How can you tell if there is an elephant in your dessert ? You get very lumpy ice cream !

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Q: Where is the world's fastest chicken from? A: Ethiopia!

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Tim once took his small cousin with him while he went fishing: When he returned, he was looking very fed up. "I'll never do that again," he complained to his Dad. "Did she frighten off the fish?" enquired Dad. "No," replied Tim. "She sat on the bank and ate all my maggots."

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A man went into a deli shop and took a seat at the lunch counter. "Give me a corned beef sandwich," he ordered. "Corned beef sandwich is not on the menu, but I can give you a sandwich with corned beef in it, like our Midnight Special." "What's a Midnight Special?" "A triple decker with corned beef, tongue, bologna, tomato, lettuce, onion, pickle and mayonnaise, on toasted raisin bread." "Could you just place a piece of corned beef between two slices of white bread and serve it to me on a plate?" "Why, sure!" Then, turning to the sandwich man, he sang out: "One Midnight Special. Make it one deck, hold the tongue, bologna, tomato, lettuce, onion, pickle and mayonnaise, and make the raisin bread white, untoasted!"

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Why couldn't the Gorilla pitcher make it in the major leagues? His balk was worse than his bite!

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Knock Knock Who's there ! Amanda ! Amanda who ? Amanda the table!

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Knock Knock Who's there ! Bassoon ! Bassoon who ? Bassoon things will be better !

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Q: Why did the boy bring a ladder to chorus? A: He wanted to sing higher!

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Democrats wear wide red ties and green sports jackets during the festive season. Republicans do too, all year round.

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What did the impatient waiter ask the gluttonous aardvark? Is that your final ant, sir!

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A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window, "Cruise Special -- $99!". She goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, "I'd like the $99 cruise special, please." The agent grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her to a large inner tube, then drags her out the back door and downhill to the river, where he pushes her in and sends her floating. A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign, goes inside, lays her money on the counter, and asks for the $99 special. She too is tied to an inner tube and sent floating down the river. Drifting into stronger current, she eventually catches up with the first blonde. They float side by side for a while before the first blonde asks, "Do they serve refreshments on this cruise? The second blonde replies, " They didn't last year."

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What kind of baseball do burgers play? Ketchup baseball!

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What does a cannibal call a skateboarder? Meals on wheels.

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Policeman: Why were you speeding when I stopped you? Motorist: So I could race home to get my license and registration.

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Q: Why did the blonde guy ask his girlfriend to squeeze his left testicle? A: Because the road sign said 'Squeeze Left.'

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