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Funny jokes - 50 best jokes

A lawyer with insomnia consulted
her doctor.
"Which side is it best to lie on?" she asked.
"The
side that pays your fee," replied the doctor.

 

If buttered toast always lands buttered side down and a cat always lands on its feet, what would happen if you tied a pice of buttered toast on the back of a cat and dropped it?

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"Flight 1234, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees.." "But Center, we are at 35,000 feet, how much noise can we make up here?" "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 707 makes when it hits a 727?"

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How many pilots does it take to change a light bulb? None, it is done by the automatic pilot.

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Q: How can you tell if a cat is blonde? A: No matter what height you drop it from it always lands on its head.

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"Now my motto in life," said the school chaplain, "is work hard, play hard and pray hard. How about you, Harriet?" "My motto is let bygones be bygones." "That's good. Why did you choose that?" "Then I wouldn't have to take any history classes!"

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What kind of a fish does your Parrot sit on? A Perch!

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One day a wife complained, "This wall clock almost killed my mother today. It fell only seconds after she got up from the couch." The husband grunted and replied, "The darn clock always was slow."

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Holton sat down in a Green Bay restaurant and said to the waitress, "Do you know whether the milk from this dairy is pasteurized?" "Sure is!" she answered. "Every morning they turn the cows out to pasture."

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Who is the bees favourite pop group ? The bee gees !

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What happens if you tell a psychiatrist you are schizophrenic? He charges you double.

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Three Pastors from the south were having lunch in a diner. One said, "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything-noise, spray, cats-nothing seems to scare them away. Another said, "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away." The third said, "I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church... Haven't seen one back since!"

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Sign at restaurant reads: Eat here diet home

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Our teacher talks to herself does yours ? Yes, but she does't realise it, she thinks we're actually listening !

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Why did Dracula miss lunch? Because he didn't fancy the stake.

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If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?

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The doctor comes to see his heart transplant patient. "This is good news. It is very unusual, but we have two donors to choose from for your new heart." The patient is pleased. He asks, "What were their jobs?" "One was a teacher and the other was an accountant." "I'll take the accountant's heart," says the patient. "I want one that hasn't been used."

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What would you call two bananas? A pair of slippers.

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Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully? A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

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Q: Why did the mother cat put stamps on her kittens? - A: Because she wanted to mail a litter.

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Q: How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a lightbulb? A: He doesn't! He whines a while, says "I feel your pain", and gets congress to pass a billion dollar light security bill, and blames Republicans and special interests for not making lightbulbs free.

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