Idiot and fool jokes

"Say, your house is
burning."
"That's okay. I got enough lumber in the attic to build a new
one."

 

What did the envelope say to the stamp? "Stick with me and we'll go places."

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A man brings his wife a glass of water and two aspirins. She looks surprised and says, I don't have a headache!" He says, "Aha!"

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On which day do monsters eat people? Chewsday.

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Q: What is the definition of a major seventh? A: A violist playing octaves.

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What did the astronaut see on his skillet? Unidentified frying (flying) objects.

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Customer: Give me a hot dog. Waiter: With pleasure. Customer: No, with mustard.

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What's a bee-line ? The shortest distance between two buzz-stops !

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Q: What do you call two spiders who just got married? A: Newlywebs.

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A psychiatrist was testing the mentality of a patient. "Do you ever hear voices without being able to tell who is speaking or where the voices are coming from?" asked the psychiatrist. "As a matter of fact, I do," said the patient. "And when does this happen?" asked the psychiatrist. "Oh," said the patient, "when I answer the telephone."

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How is a judge like an English teacher? They both hand out long sentences.

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Knock Knock Who's there ! Buster ! Buster who ? Buster tire, can I use your phone !

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Q:What did one plate say to the other plate? A:('Lunch is on me!')

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A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat" "Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another. After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"

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A huge American car screeched to a halt in a sleepy English village, and the driver called out to a local inhabitant, "Say, am I on the right road for Shakespeare's birthplace?" "Ay, straight on, sir," said the rustic, "but no need to hurry. He's dead."

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First Caribou: What kind of math do owls like? Second Caribou: Owlgebra.

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Yo mama so fat she rolled over 4 quarters and it made a dollar!

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Why don't anteaters get sick? Because they're full of anty-bodies !

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When is a parent like a child? When he's a miner.

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Two nuns were driving alone out in the boonies. They ran out of gas. Fortunately they could walk to a gas station not far away, where they asked to purchase a can of gasoline. "I'm sorry, sister," said the attendant, "but all I have for you to carry it in is an old chamber pot. The nuns agreed that this would be fine. They returned to the car. As they were pouring the gasoline into the tank, a man drove by, stopped his car, and said, "Oh sister, if only I had your faith."

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Yo mama so bald you can see whats on her mind

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