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Funny jokes - 50 best jokes

"I was married 3 times" explained
the man to a newly discovered
drinking partner, "and I'll never
marry again. My first 2 wives died
of eating poison mushrooms and my
3rd wife died of a fractured skull."

"That's a shame." said his
friend , "How did it happen?"

"She wouldn't eat the
mushrooms!"

 

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone. "What took you so long to answer?" "I was in bed." "What were you doing in bed this late?" "Getting a second opinion."

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Doctor, doctor, I'm having difficulty sleeping. Doctor: Well maybe it's your bed. Oh, I'm all right at night, it's in the day I have problems.

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Q: Why did the mirror have 6 holes in it? A: A blonde tried to shoot herself!

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Roger was sitting in a very full bus when a fat woman opposite said, "If you were a gentleman, young man, you'd stand up and let someone else sit down." "And if you were a lady," replied Roger, "you'd stand up and let four people sit down."

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What's a moo hoo for a tug-of-war between two longhorns? A bull pull!

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What happens to a dog that keeps eating bits off of the table ? He gets splinters in his mouth !

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How do you hire an elephant ? Stand it on four bricks !

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Why did the boy carry a clock and a bird on Halloween ? It was for 'tick or tweet' !

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Two men were out hunting when one of them saw a rabbit. "Quick," said the first, "shoot it." "I can't," said the second. "My gun isn't loaded." "Well," said the first," you know that, and I know that, but the rabbit doesn't."

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A man in a swimming pool was on the very top diving board. He poised, lifted his arms, and was about to dive when the attendant came running up, shouting, "Don't dive ? there's no water in that pool!" "That's all right," said the man. "I can't swim!"

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What did one firefly say to the other ? Got to glow now !

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Knock Knock Who's there ! Attila ! Attila who ? Attila you no lies !

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It's not what you say, but the way you say it. On a blind date, the boy said to the girl: "Time stands still when I look into your eyes." The girl was very flattered. What the boy had really meant was, "You have a face that would stop a clock."

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Mrs. Filmore returned home from a business trip and asked her husband, "How did Greg do on his history exam?" "Oh, not so good," he replied. "But it wasn't his fault. They asked him about things that happened before he was born!"

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Teacher: Can you tell me something important that didn't exist 100 years ago ? Pupil: Me !

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A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, "Would you like to dance?" The girl says, "I don't like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn't dance with you." The guy says, "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants."

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College meals are generally unpopular with those who have to eat them and sometimes with good reason. "What kind of pie do you call this?" asked one student indignantly. "What's it taste like?" asked the cook." "Glue!" "Then it's apple pie the plum pie tastes like soap."

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The nurse who can smile when things go wrong is probably going off duty.

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"Helga, tell me something. Why do Swedish men always have stupid grins on their faces?" "Because they're stupid," said her friend.

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A lone tourist who is passing through the suburbs on the way to town by car, unfortunately experiences mechanical problems with the automobile. The car stalls and the tourist parks the car by the side of the road and waits for help. Not much later, a farmer happens to pass by with a truck full of farm animals. The farmer offers the tourist a lift to town and proceeds to explain that he is bringing his farm animals to the town market, where they will be auctioned off to the highest bidders. Well, it so happens that on the way to the town, the farmer being so engrossed in his story, unintentionally wanders into the other side of road where another vehicle is approaching in the other direction. The farmer realizes his absent mindness and attempts to avoid the possible collision with the other vehicle. He just misses the other car, but unfortunately crashes the truck into the side of the road. The tourist winds up thrown into a ditch and suffers broken ribs and a broken arm and leg and is obviously in extreme pain. The farm animals are all messed up very badly and the farmer, although remaining inside the vehicle, still suffers cuts and scrapes. The farmer gets out of the truck and looks at his farm animals. The chickens all have broken limbs and can barely move. "These chickens are all useless! Nobody will want to buy these chickens anymore!" bellows the farmer. With that, he grabs and loads his shotgun and blows away the chickens. Next, he sees the pigs and they are all lame and bleeding profusely. "These pigs are all worthless now! I'll get nothing for them!" yells the farmer. With great rage, the farmer reloads his shotgun and blows away the pigs. The farmer looks at the sheep and they all have broken limbs and their wool is all bloodied. "Worthless sheep!" screams the farmer and wit h that, he reloads his shotgun and blows away the sheep. Meanwhile, the injured tourist witnesses all of this carnage in great horror. The farmer then moves over to the side of the ditch and looks at the tourist. "Are you okay down there?" asked the farmer. "NEVER FELT BETTER IN MY ENTIRE LIFE!!!" the tourist yelled back.

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