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Letter jokes

Which two letters of the alphabet are

nothing?
MT (empty) .

 

Why is a cat like a penny? Because it has a head on one side and a tail on the other.

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QUESTION: Name the loser in the 1976 presidential race. ANSWER: The American people.

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How can you tell if you are looking at a police glow-worm? He has a flashing light.

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How do snowmen read their e-mails? With an icy-stare!

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What kind of medicine does Dracula take for a cold? Coffin medicine.

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Men are like remote controls. Simple. Easy to use. And usually lying around a TV.

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What did the pig say when he found a line of ants in his trough? "Mmm. Canapes."

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A man leaves a bar, gets into his car and drives away. 200 yards further he's stopped by a police officer. Officer: "Good evening sir. We're testing drivers for drunken driving. Would you please blow into this machine?". Man: "I'm sorry, I can't do that. I have asthma. If I blow on that machine I will get out of air". Officer: "Please come along to the office and we can give you a blood test". Man: "I can't do that. I have anemia and if you stick a needle in me I will bleed to death". Officer: "Then you'll have to get out and walk 5 yards along this white line". Man: "Can't do that either". Officer: "Why not?". Man: "Because I'm dead drunk".

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What do you call an operation on a rabbit? A hare-cut.

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An ideal homework excuse Teacher: Where is your homework? Pupil: Some aliens from outer space borrowed it so they could study how the human brain worked

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What do you get if you cross a snake and a hotdog ? A fangfurter !sna

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CUSTOMER: How do you make a pig float? WAITER: Just give him an inner tube.

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Q: What did the thermometer say to the other thermometer? A: You make my temperature rise.

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It's not what you say, but the way you say it. On a blind date, the boy said to the girl: "Time stands still when I look into your eyes." The girl was very flattered. What the boy had really meant was, "You have a face that would stop a clock."

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Mrs. Filmore returned home from a business trip and asked her husband, "How did Greg do on his history exam?" "Oh, not so good," he replied. "But it wasn't his fault. They asked him about things that happened before he was born!"

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Teacher: Can you tell me something important that didn't exist 100 years ago ? Pupil: Me !

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A guy runs out of a Las Vegas hotel and says to a stranger, "Can you loan me two hundred bucks? My wife had a terrible accident." The stranger says, "If you need two hundred dollars, what are you using to gamble with?" The guy replies, "Oh, I've got gambling money."

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A guy goes in to see a psychologist. He says, "It seems I can't make any friends. Can you help me, you fat slob?"

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A priest and a nun are on their way back home from a trip when their car breaks down. They are unable to get it fixed, so they decide to spend the night in a hotel. The only hotel in the town has only one room available. Priest: Sister, I don't think the Lord would have a problem, under the circumstances, if we spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the lounge and you have the bed. Nun: I think that would be okay. They prepare for bed and each one takes their agreed place in the room. Ten minutes later... Nun: Father, I'm terribly cold. Priest: Okay, I'll get you a blanket. (He does) Ten minutes later... Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold. Priest: Okay Sister, I'll get you another blanket. (He does) Ten minutes later... Nun: Father, I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we acted as man and wif e just for this one night. Priest: You're probably right...get up and get your own blanket.

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What did the alien say when his flying saucer landed in a stud farm? Take me to your breeder !

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