Military jokes

A destroyer pulled into a foreign port, and
put down maximum
liberty. The skeleton crew didn't notice a
chimpanzee, escaped from a
nearby civilian transport, crawled up the ropes
and up to the
smokestack. Down the stack, it made its way into the
engine room. It came across
a power panel opened up for
maintenance, couldn't read the warning
signs, and with a bright blue blast
shorted out the ship's electrical
system, and plunged the ship into
darkness.

A little bit later, two junior Hull Technicians
wander down with their
flashlights, looking for the problem. They come
upon the blackened body
of the chimp. They shine their flashlights
on its long, burnt arms.
They look at each other. They highlight its
short legs and odd feet. They
look at each other. Finally one says,
"Well, it's too hairy to be an
Electrician, the legs are too short
for a Hull Tech, and there would be
more tatoos on a Bo'su
n. Call the wardroom, see if one of the duty
officers is
missing."

 

Visitor: You're very quiet, Jennifer. Jennifer: Well, my mum gave me a dollar not to say anything about your red nose.

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A violist comes home late at night to discover fire trucks, police cars, and a smoking crater where his house used to be. The chief of police comes over to him and tells him, "While you were out, the conductor came to your house, killed your family, and burned the house down." The violist replied, "You're kidding! The conductor came to my house?"

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How do you make a bandstand? Take away their chairs

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What does a snowman eat for dinner? Ice-burgers.

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What is old and ugly and can see just as well from both ends ? A witch with a blindfold !

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What did the pig do when a beetle landed in his feed trough? He ate it quickly, before the others could ask him to share.

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What do pigs like with chow mein? Sooey sauce.

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Why do raindrops like lightning at night? -So they can see where they are going

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Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play? A: To get away from the noise.

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A businessman was having a tough time lugging his lumpy, oversized travel bag onto the plane. Helped by a flight attendant, he finally managed to stuff it in the overhead bin. "Do you always carry such heavy luggage?" she sighed. "No more," the man said. "Next time, I'm riding in the bag, and my partner can buy the ticket!"

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Recently during the heavy rains they have experienced in New England the mail carrier for one neighborhood commeneted on the "pouring rain." Well , atleast the dew point is coming down!

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Yo mama is so old that her bus pass is in hieroglyphics!!

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Q: What did the Production Manager give his kids for Christmas? A: Nothing. But he promised he'd make it up to them on the next one.

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There was this little kid who had a bad habit of sucking his thumb. His mother finally told him that if he didn't stop sucking his thumb, he'd get fat. Two weeks later, his mother had her friends over for a game of bridge. The boy points to an obviously pregnant woman and says, "Ah, ha! I know what you've been doing!"

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An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening worship service and was startled to find an intruder in her house. Catching the man in the act of burglarizing her home, she yelled, "STOP! Acts 2:38!" ("Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.") As the burglar stopped dead in his tracks, the woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. Shortly, several officers arrived and took the man into custody. As he was placing the handcuffs on the burglar, one of the officers asked, "Why did you just stand there? All the lady did was mention a scripture verse." "Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an axe and two 38's!"

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What's a snake's favourite food ? Hiss Cakes !

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What do astronauts wear to bed? Space Jammies!

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Why didn't the monster use toothpaste? Because he said his teeth weren't loose.

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Q: How can you tell if it was a shared computer used by many staffers? A: There is writing on the White-out.

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Q: Why don't they know where Mozart is buried? A: Because he's Haydn!

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