Military jokes

A destroyer pulled into a foreign port, and
put down maximum
liberty. The skeleton crew didn't notice a
chimpanzee, escaped from a
nearby civilian transport, crawled up the ropes
and up to the
smokestack. Down the stack, it made its way into the
engine room. It came across
a power panel opened up for
maintenance, couldn't read the warning
signs, and with a bright blue blast
shorted out the ship's electrical
system, and plunged the ship into
darkness.

A little bit later, two junior Hull Technicians
wander down with their
flashlights, looking for the problem. They come
upon the blackened body
of the chimp. They shine their flashlights
on its long, burnt arms.
They look at each other. They highlight its
short legs and odd feet. They
look at each other. Finally one says,
"Well, it's too hairy to be an
Electrician, the legs are too short
for a Hull Tech, and there would be
more tatoos on a Bo'su
n. Call the wardroom, see if one of the duty
officers is
missing."

 

How many LA cops does it take to change light bulb? Six. One to do it and five to smash the old bulb to splinters.

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What's the difference between a vampire with toothache and a rainstorm? One roars with pain and the other pours with rain.

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What do you call a telephone call from one vicar to another ? A parson to parson call !

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How do rain drops marry? -They coalesce

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Yo mama so stupid she stole free bread.

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What's gray and furry on the inside and white on the outside ? A mouse sandwich !

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What's the best thing about turning 65? No more calls from insurance salesmen.

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Father: How do you like going to school? Son: The going bit is fine, as is the coming home bit too, but I'm not too keen on the time in-between!

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Teacher: Why can't you ever answer any of my questions? Pupil: Well if I could there wouldn't be much point in me being here!

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Where do footballers dance? At a football!

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What do you call a vampire in a raincoat ? Mack-u-la !

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A Jewish couple, are sitting together on an airplane flying to the Far East. Over the public address system, the Captain announces: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning, and this plane will be going down momentarily. Luckily, I see an island below us that should be able to accommodate our landing. This island appears to be uncharted; I am unable to find it on our maps. So the odds are that we will never be rescued and will have to live on the island for a very long time, if not for the rest of our lives. A few minutes later the plane lands safely on the island, whereupon Morris turns to his wife and asks, "Esther, did we pay our pledge to the Yeshiva yet?" No Morris!" she responded. Morris smiles, then asks, "Esther, did we pay our UJA pledge?" "Oy no, I forgot to send the check!!" Now Morris laughs. "One last thing, Esther. Did you remember to send our Temple Building Fund check this month?" "Oy Morris I forgot that one too!" Now Morris is practically choking with laughter. Esther asks Morris, "So what are you smiling and laughing about? Morris responds, "They'll find us."

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A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

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What goes dot, dot, dash, squeak ? Mouse code !

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Teacher: Fred can you find me Australia on the map please ? Pupil: There it is Teacher: Now, Louise, who discovered Australia ? Pupil: Fred did !

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Tourist: The flies are awfully thick around here. Don't you ever shoo them? Native: No, we just let them go barefoot.

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yo mama so stupid..she sits on the t.v and watches the couch

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Q: How many PA' does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: What's a light bulb?

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Q: How can you tell someone is a true music lover? A: When they even put their ear up to the bathroom keyhole.

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What did the pig call a manuscript? A shoat story.

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