Political jokes

When
that fool Reagan said that the
Soviet Union was a failed
experiment headed for the ash heap of history,
I knew he was a
demagogue.
When that fool Reagan said that the
Soviet Union was an evil
empire, I knew he was a dangerous
kook.
When that fool Reagan said that we could end the Cold War
by
escalating the arms race, I knew the odds favored
nuclear
annihilation.
When the Soviet Union went broke, dissolved, and repudiated
its past,
I knew it was all Gorbachev's genius, and that fool Reagan
had
nothing to do with it.
Because if that fool Reagan was right all
along...
...what kind of fool am I?

 

What did the astronaut see on his skillet? Unidentified frying (flying) objects.

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Customer: Give me a hot dog. Waiter: With pleasure. Customer: No, with mustard.

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A psychiatrist was testing the mentality of a patient. "Do you ever hear voices without being able to tell who is speaking or where the voices are coming from?" asked the psychiatrist. "As a matter of fact, I do," said the patient. "And when does this happen?" asked the psychiatrist. "Oh," said the patient, "when I answer the telephone."

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Q:What did one plate say to the other plate? A:('Lunch is on me!')

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A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat" "Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another. After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"

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A huge American car screeched to a halt in a sleepy English village, and the driver called out to a local inhabitant, "Say, am I on the right road for Shakespeare's birthplace?" "Ay, straight on, sir," said the rustic, "but no need to hurry. He's dead."

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First Caribou: What kind of math do owls like? Second Caribou: Owlgebra.

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Yo mama so fat she rolled over 4 quarters and it made a dollar!

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Two nuns were driving alone out in the boonies. They ran out of gas. Fortunately they could walk to a gas station not far away, where they asked to purchase a can of gasoline. "I'm sorry, sister," said the attendant, "but all I have for you to carry it in is an old chamber pot. The nuns agreed that this would be fine. They returned to the car. As they were pouring the gasoline into the tank, a man drove by, stopped his car, and said, "Oh sister, if only I had your faith."

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Yo mama so bald you can see whats on her mind

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Why didn't the dog want to play football? It was a boxer!

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What did the witch say to the ugly toad? I'd put a curse on you - but somebody beat me to it!

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Q: How many Aquarians does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Like, why don't you just get out of my face and stop asking me to do all your work for you? I'm, like, really totally sick and tired of you asking me questions.

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Q: How many Communists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two - one to screw it in, and a second to hand out leaflets. A: One, but it takes him about 30 years to realize that the old one has burnt out.

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How can you spell chilly with two letters? IC (icy) .

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What do you get if you cross a phone with a birthday celebration? A party line!

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What happened to the cold jellyfish ? It set !

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What do you get if you cross a bottle of water with an electric eel? A bit of a shock really!

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Yo mama so fat she lay on the beach and people run around yelling Free Willy

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What is the witches motto ? We came, we saw, we conjured !

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